Recent Posts

Topic: Other / Response to Matt

Hi Matt: You are so right….mediation doesn’t work for all the reasons you mentioned. I did read one of the books you suggested the “Verbally Abusive RElationship” and it was quite good…..I like the “Gift of Fear” as it speaks to listening to our inner signals.. I read a lot of research, especially the earliest researchers, like Lenore Walker. I know there is a movement in California to teach tdv in the schools. Last year a bill went to your general assembly but didn’t pass. They were asking for money & were relying on non-profit agencies to teach the topic in schools. That is fine, but I doubt they have the resources to teach it yearly….once is not enough…that would be like teaching drug education only once during high school. There is a researcher Dr. Elizabeth Miller from California who has done some research on TDV and teen pregnancy. She might be worth getting in touch with as I believe she might have been involved in the movement to pass that bill. In December’s issue of Redbook there will be an article about the Liz Claiborne initiative to have tdv taught in every high school. We will be forming a national advocacy group and the article will ask for readers from each state to contact them if interested. I can also put your name on a list and contact you when I have more info, if you’d like.

Topic: Other / I want to support your work - Matt Kramer

Dear Ann;

I am a professional mediator living in Northern California and working part time in Texas. As my career in mediation developed, beginning in 1994, I occasionally would have cases sent to me that involved abuse on some level. The standard policy, once a mediator determines that abuse is a factor in the relationship, is to end the mediation – abusers are not capable of mediating fairly. I began to study the nature of the abuser and was surprised to learn many of the basic elements in the abusive personality that are not known or understood by the general public. For example, in the mind of the abuser, he is the only victim.

And not only is he unwilling to be empathetic, compassionate, fair minded, responsible for his actions, etc., he is completely incapable of any of the behaviors we consider normal.

I am very enthused to learn of your work bringing domestic and dating violence awareness into schools. I firmly believe that if our youth was provided with an appropriate standardized curriculum in all middle and high schools throughout the nation, we would not only see a reduction in domestic violence, we would also see a reduction in the divorce rate, in child abuse cases, in criminal behavior and many other circumstances related to abusive behavior.

I recommend (and often give away) the book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. I also recommend “Trauma and Recovery” by Judith Herman. Do you have any particular titles you recommend?

Since I am not in the field of education, I do not know the pathways to getting your program instituted on a national basis. Can you share your progress or any organizations that are working with you in this regard?

I am deeply moved by your loss. People everywhere need the education you are providing. I would like to help in any way I can.

Matt Kramer
http://mattkramer.com

Topic: Victims; Family and friends of victims / Victimization

Once one of our children has been a victim of dating violence, we become a victim as well. Victims experience a whole range of emotions, such as anger, guilt, revenge, depression, and a general feeling of “going crazy” in our minds. This is all normal. Much of it comes and goes, but when it comes, it really hits you hard, often taking you by surprise. I’ve often dealt with it by just giving in to the feelings, letting myself experience them but at the same time, either talking about them with someone who I know will understand, or talking to myself. I remind myself that this is all normal and part of the effects of victimization. We need to remind ourselves that victims are not to blame…..blame lies with one person only. AFter a period of time has passed, many of us try to go about our daily routines as “normal” and others think we are “doing better”. But actually, we just get better at hiding the feelings…..they don’t go away. If your child was killed, I don’t believe those feelings will ever “get better” or go away….there is no closure. But if your child is a survivor, then I would hope that the feelings will dullen in time, to some extent. I do think you still will feel them from time to time. Oftentimes, something we hear or see will trigger those feelings to come to the surface….like hearing about another victim in the news, court dates with the perpetrator, and seeing the perpetrator. I’ve handled those times by facing them head-on. I was fortunate enough to have spoken to a former prosecutor who explained to me that although my daughter was the real victim here, my family has been victimized as well. And we have a choice to make….we can let him have control over us, just as he did our daughter, or we can find something to help us overcome and empower ourselves so that we are not granting him power over us by constantly feeling and acting like a victim.. For me, speaking out on the topic and educating our youth is a very powerful tool…......it empowers others, to help them avoid becoming a victim. Each of us needs to find what works best for us to deal with the wide range of very unpleasant emotions that have been thrust upon us

Topic: Victims; Family and friends of victims / Getting over the anger?

Ann, we meet in DC in July and i thought maybe you would understand me better than my friends and family who I know get tired of hearing me talk about it all the time. Well it has been over a year and a half and things seem to be going well, but now volunteering at the school and always having meetings at the high school, I have to seen him there, it is so hard to have to look at him. How does my daughter go to school everyday and have to look at him knowing what he did to her, how he got away with it, how can she concentrate on anything. I went to a football game and he was there with his girlfriends family wearing a big cross around his neck, and someone walks up and tells Sami he has been baptized, so what, she supposed to forget everything he did to her. I have so much anger, it’s not fair, he comes out looking like a rose and we have all the pain to deal with, I just don’t understand how long it takes I thought I was getting over all this and that trying to teach parents and kids what the signs of dating abuse is would be helpful to me. But, I can’t stand him its so hard to see him, knowing he is laughing, and he got away just like he said he would. Anything you can suggest to me would be helpful, I know I am thankful she is here, maybe when he is out of school next year and not having to run into him will make it better, I really was doing better until I had to see him 3 times in the last week. I am trying to help the community I have joined our local project success and I am the head of the drug and violence prevention team. They did tell me that I could start preparing to teach the Love is not Abuse curriculum to the 6th, 7th and 8th graders and I am happy about that. Its just hard to see him, he ruins any positive things I am trying to do.

Topic: School Awareness Activities / fundraisers

Check out the Pumpkin Illumination Fundraiser LABMF’s Funraising page…..South Kingstown High School Health teacher Karen Murphy & students created and held this fundraiser…...great activity for students who have learned about this topic in health class and then as part of community service work towards helping others in this area…...this is a prime example of an activity that takes students “beyond the classroom” and will help those students to remember what they learned long after they graduate….. thank you Karen!!!! and students !!!!!

Topic: Dating Violence Curriculum / curriculum

This month I taught my 8th grade unit on dating abuse & healthy relationships. I used Lessons 1,2,3 of SAFE DATES, the power wheels, and www.chooserespect.org.
Lesson 1 is a great introduction to caring relationships and in Lesson 2 students learn what is dating abuse. When reading the statistics to the students, I added some from the list of stats I created (under Facts on this website). Lesson 3 does a great job of explaining the cycle of violence, without calling it that, and it explains the control and manipulation of the victim…...be sure to read ALL the BOLD PRINT to the students during each lesson, as I found it contains the most important concepts that students need to understand…..most of my 8th graders found this material interesting and fairly easy to understand…...none received lower than a “B” on the test I gave at the end of this unit, although I did keep the test simple. CHOOSERESPECT.org is excellent and every 8th grade health teacher should use it…...I had the mobile lab in my room…students used laptops to navigate the website. I began the first lesson by projecting the 13 minute video on the white wall for them all to view. Then they had to complete a handout that I wrote to keep them focused (this handout can be found via a link on the curriculum page of the LABMF website). AFTER they completed the handout, then they were allowed to play the Game and start making a video. It took about 1 1/2 classes to complete the handout, and most were able to play the game and check out the video section. What’s nice about this, is that students who didn’t get to finish making a video could do so at home or in the library. The students LOVED this website…...and they were VERY MOTIVATED….ALL of them…...I felt that each curriculum offered something that the other didn’t…..and they complimented each other and as a result students got a good knowledge base and basic understanding of the topic in 8th grade.

Topic: Dating Violence Curriculum / curriculum

new curriculum ideas and websites