Victimization

Once one of our children has been a victim of dating violence, we become a victim as well. Victims experience a whole range of emotions, such as anger, guilt, revenge, depression, and a general feeling of “going crazy” in our minds. This is all normal. Much of it comes and goes, but when it comes, it really hits you hard, often taking you by surprise. I’ve often dealt with it by just giving in to the feelings, letting myself experience them but at the same time, either talking about them with someone who I know will understand, or talking to myself. I remind myself that this is all normal and part of the effects of victimization. We need to remind ourselves that victims are not to blame…..blame lies with one person only. AFter a period of time has passed, many of us try to go about our daily routines as “normal” and others think we are “doing better”. But actually, we just get better at hiding the feelings…..they don’t go away. If your child was killed, I don’t believe those feelings will ever “get better” or go away….there is no closure. But if your child is a survivor, then I would hope that the feelings will dullen in time, to some extent. I do think you still will feel them from time to time. Oftentimes, something we hear or see will trigger those feelings to come to the surface….like hearing about another victim in the news, court dates with the perpetrator, and seeing the perpetrator. I’ve handled those times by facing them head-on. I was fortunate enough to have spoken to a former prosecutor who explained to me that although my daughter was the real victim here, my family has been victimized as well. And we have a choice to make….we can let him have control over us, just as he did our daughter, or we can find something to help us overcome and empower ourselves so that we are not granting him power over us by constantly feeling and acting like a victim.. For me, speaking out on the topic and educating our youth is a very powerful tool…......it empowers others, to help them avoid becoming a victim. Each of us needs to find what works best for us to deal with the wide range of very unpleasant emotions that have been thrust upon us